Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
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every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
4: mommy, I don’t like you.
Me: why, what did I do??
4: *gives me a huge hug*
Me: uh
4: I only love grandma
Me: what is happening
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
These people act like they’ve never seen anyone wearing a Speedo in a laundromat before.
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
I wouldn’t mind being put on hold so much if companies programmed in a jukebox so I could pick the music I listen to while I wait
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me:
Husband:
Me: moves 1 centimetre
Husband: I’ll take a bowl of ice-cream while you’re up
my sentiments exactly
I’m at the age I need all the beauty sleep I can get. So naturally I’m not able to sleep.
Me: So how are you going to finance your second year of college?
Daughter: *drops a “Swear Jar” onto the counter*
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
alien: [emerges from wrecked ufo] i need help
me: we got our own problems
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.