Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DINOSAUR PARTY

TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-Rex

T-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.

Normalize chocolate cake as an appetizer.

Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”

This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses

Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥

like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down

*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*

Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.

My wife is not satisfied with my assurances that the spider is dead. I must also produce a death certificate, pictures from the funeral and the names and addresses of next of kin.

How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?

is this a warning or an offer?

[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating

If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.

Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time

[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.

7YO: Daddy you’re so talented

Me: Awww Thank Y..

7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing

An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.

Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.

Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now

Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.

The nurse said she needed some urine to test for potassium. “K,” I said. Silence. “I bet everyone makes that joke,” I say. She’s like “In 15 years of nursing not one person has made that joke”

I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.

Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?

“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor

Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request

me: cool!

Facebook: she’s racist now

me: uhh

Facebook: everyone on here is

me: I’m not feeling well

doctor: take your glove off

I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.

PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating

I wrote: You’ll always have a place in my heart.
AC sent: You’ll always have a place in my hearse.

Now “staying friends” seems unlikely.

why do guys named timothy go by tim when they could go by moth

He wanted to make sure😂

Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church