Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Based on how he reacts, you’d think my dog’s entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.

Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?

Hey kids,

Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves

– adults

[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*

[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.

Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace

*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*

Direct deposit: +1400

Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice

Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home

Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.

Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries

Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.

after you pay a bill, the website is like “would you like to make another payment?” and it’s like? um no dude. no, i don’t want to do that. like sorry do you think we’re buddies? “hang out awhile, maybe pay another bill” no dude. we do NOT have that kinda relationship man sorry

Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous

Dad: sure kiddo

How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7

I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”

The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.

My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.

I am not shocked.

I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.

I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.

[Jeopardy]

Disease for $500 Alex

“Dysentery, Typhoid, Bubonic Plague, Dengue Fever”

What’s better than catching a man cold?

“Correct!”

Watch Forrest Gump

*feel inspired

*toss orthotics out, go for jog

*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker

Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?

3 year old: I’m thirsty

Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.

“Next house. This one’s been done already.”

A robin just had chicks in a nest above our garage. Today, her babies were chirping and she just sat on them, and I’m wondering if I can use this method when my kids keep asking for snacks.

I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again

“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.

Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.

Opponent: I wish you luck

Me: Tha—

Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.

Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey

Movie Theater: *lights go down*

Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*