Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
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I only spent $9,842 on bras and panties at the Victoria’s Secret Semi-Annual Sale. Nothing like saving money.
Me: If we have a second date I’ll give you flowers
Her: Orchids?
Me: It’s a bit early for children, Sharon
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
has anyone researched why & how Timothee Chalamet has been 17 years old for nearly a decade
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
I’ve got some sick beats.
No. Really. I need to take them to a doctor. The antibiotics aren’t working.
me at the assigned security training after clicking another fake phishing email
When I practise my stand-up in front of the mirror I have to remember to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter. It’s good practice for when I’m performing in front of an audience and I have to pause after each joke and imagine the laughter
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
It’s fine when Santa does it, but when I see you when you’re sleeping & know when you’re awake it’s “creepy” and “sir, you’re under arrest”
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
cop: why’d you kill him?
me: I was trying to count something and he kept shouting random numbers
cop: ugh hate that you’re free to go
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
everyone is motivated by something different. for some folks it’s money, for others it’s a paycheck. some people are even motivated by cash hitting their bank account. others do it for the love of getting paid.
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated