Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?
Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.
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My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
ME: Why do they call it a John Doe and not a Who-man?
CORONER: Are you here to identify the body?
ME: I am not.
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
🤣😂🤣😂🤣
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
Dumple
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
netflix subtitles be like “speaking foreign language” bro translate it
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble