Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.

They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys

My kids persuaded me to buy Peppa Pig pasta shapes, and tonight I’ll be testing their understanding of irony by making them bacon pasta for dinner.

[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money

Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need

i wonder if americans realize just how much more insulting the phrase “room temperature IQ” is to those who use the metric system

Yesterday I wore something from 10 years ago that actually fit…It was a scarf but still

We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”

I was asking Alexa to play music, but she wasn’t listening. I stomped my way over so I could scold her when I realized Roomba had unplugged her. That chaotic little shit. Always starting fights with his siblings.

can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious

Me: I love you.

3yo: I love you

Me: Are you my big kid?

3yo: Yup

Me: Are you my sweet boy?

3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.

Put a mirror on the ceiling.

She said.

It will be sexy.

She said.

Terrify yourself every morning.

I found out.

‘Twas the day after Christmas and all through the house, not a creature was stirring- because food comas

LOL

*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else

Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.

I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.

“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie

“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”

There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.

Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan

I’m an avid indoorsman.

dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it

Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.

I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.

Replying “cinnamon bun?” when your friend says she has a bun in the oven is wrong. I know this now, but in my defense I was craving Cinnabon.

People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me

People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body

People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk

My sister: can you believe that I’m pregnant again! Must be something in the air
Me: yeah your legs

Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.