me: so *slaps hood* what will it take to get me into this beauty?
car salesman: you cannot have my sweatshirt
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stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
Sydney actually has a lot of cool bars it’s just that to find them you have to walk into random shops and lean on shit like a Scooby Doo character until you find the secret passage.
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
Please don’t interrupt me and my frozen daiquiri while we are outside having an important drunk conversation with the roll of toilet paper that we met in the bathroom.
Thank you
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
I still don’t understand why my boss didn’t like my idea of playing musical chairs at our next Monday meeting. He asked us for new ideas.
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
Friend in Austin was at a bar and saw this.
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
i failed a piss test at work you guys. Yeah, I made a poop instead! Hahahaha
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
me: waiter, my soup is cold
waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir
me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
But if I get tinted windows, how will people see me flipping them off?
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
Money is the root of all wealth
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
me: I’m in a terrible mood
friend: try drinking some water
me: how dare you my emotions are real and can’t be placated
[immediately after drinking water]
me: okay obviously the water didn’t do anything but I think while drinking I took time to reflect and feel better