Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.

GOD: I gave you my son.

MAN: You mean your only son?

GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.

Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.

My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.

wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!

Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?

Me: this conversation.

The whole “limiting myself to one glass of wine a day” thing is going really great. I’m like 5 years ahead of schedule.

[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip

[First Date]

Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener

Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”

I just fought a child-proof container to the death.

5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.

Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?

Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means

I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards

angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible

god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls

angel: ok first question why

god: wait i’m not finished

a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat

*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*

DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.

Always.

(Click “gift options” for merch:

If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.

Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs

doctor: god you’re unhealthy

me: we haven’t started the check-up

doctor: ya i just found your insta

People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.

“Whistle while you work”

~The boogers in my nose

My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.

I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.

Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.

Fun Fact:

A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.

Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would

*peeking out the curtains, sighing heavily* Honeyyyy we’ve got sexy singles in our area again

*getting the broom*

Shoo! Shoo! Terry, you have to stop leaving hard seltzers on the porch, it attracts them,

5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants

Know why Norway puts barcodes on their naval ships?

so when they return to port they can…
Scandinavian…