Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor

Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.

Stages of gardening:

1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening

Cop: This spot is for frog parking only

Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?

*gets toad*

me: I put a siren on your car

cop: what’s that soun–

*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*

You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice

“The library was closed yesterday.”
“Yes.”
“I tried to call with a question.”
“Sorry for the inconvenience.”
“It was kind of important.”
“Well can I help you with it now?”
“I wanted help yesterday.”
“Well, I’m here now.”
“Okay fine. What’s Harrison Ford’s astrological sign?”

(At Kentucky Derby)
ME: I’d like to enter my horse for the race.
EMPLOYEE: Sir, that’s a cheetah.
ME: *slyly passes him a burrito* Or is it?

DONALD TRUMP (45 minutes into watching wall-e): this film is not what i hoped it would be

i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers

i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer

In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.

My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level

My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.

me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money

me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one

“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty

Dog: I will do anything for you

Human: drop the ball

Dog: nope

My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.

pressed play on ‘moana’ on disney plus and they hit me with a trailer for ‘moana 2.’ pissin me off. now i know moana doesn’t die in ‘moana’

In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection

People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie

im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear

Studies suggest you should get 8 hours of sleep each night…

…18 if you’re obnoxious.

(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off

My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night

new record!

To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.

If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’

Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.

me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now