me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
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I believe in you. I also believe in dragons, so don’t get too excited.
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
The fact that we don’t hear the words “free quote” and burst into laughter always amazes me. You aren’t going to charge me to tell me what you’ll charge me? Calm down, Karl Marx.
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
“We’d make great parents.”
– couples who watch your kids for three minutes while you go pee
Overheard the most hilarious conversation on my morning commute, then realized it was just me talking to myself in my car.
I need a vacation.
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
Are you a mature person, or did you sneak into the bathroom and steal your spouse’s towel, then turn off the lights and run out the door?
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
(At war) you guys mind if I leave a bit early today?