Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567

“ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!!”
I scream to my dogs as they all watch me trip, run into the coffee table and spill my coffee all over myself.

Dear axe body spray,

Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.

Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.

Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.

I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity

I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband

Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.

[Batman Begins]

BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think

ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce

I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.

ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful

Me: You look amazing with glasses.

Her: OMG thanks

Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.

[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes

My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again

i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy

Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-

*saxophone solo*

INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.

*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*

Ok, weigh me now.

Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.

8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.

“you need to step outside your comfort zone” i have $17 in my bank account

My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.

Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.

Nobody remembers you winning the 4th grade award for ‘Best Penmanship’, but everyone remembers the one time you called the teacher “mum”.

I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman

13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.

I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.

Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.

Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.

Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.

Everything is a pillow. Some things are just better pillows than others

When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage

[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were here

Domino’s : we said 30 min or less

me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?

Lou Bega: *deep breath*