Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: you like my car?
Me: I could do this all day.
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
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I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
Her: What if this is our last day alive?
Me: Then I should probably take some stuff off my computer…
Her: I like smart guys
Me [eats soup with a fork & pretends I understood Interstellar]: thats what happens if u get stuck behind a bookcase
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
Make sure to change out the condom in your wallet once in a while…so your wallet doesn’t think you’re a loser.
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine