@ThugRaccoons

Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.

Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin

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@tamytoo2

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me:I’m cute?

Cop: Nope

Me: you like my car?

Cop: Nope

Me: I could do this all day.

@SocialOutcast82

I just want somebody to want me the way my dog wants a bite of my cheeseburger.

@Thereeveryday

The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus

@djdarrellripley

Her: What if this is our last day alive?

Me: Then I should probably take some stuff off my computer…

@david8hughes

Her: I like smart guys
Me [eats soup with a fork & pretends I understood Interstellar]: thats what happens if u get stuck behind a bookcase

@badboychadhoy

wife: I’m leaving you

me: is it because I cheated on you

wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen

the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os

@chrisanna4real

Make sure to change out the condom in your wallet once in a while…so your wallet doesn’t think you’re a loser.

@karanbirtinna

I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.

I tested positive for being brown.

@fro_vo

Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure

@Skoogeth

everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?

me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine