Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
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My son talks a lot of shit about knowing how to sit and not swing in a hammock for someone who is currently sprawled out on the ground underneath a hammock
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend obviously never had a burrito.
oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
Me: you don’t want to finish your dinner?
4yo: (hands me plate) I’m full
Me: are you sure…
4yo: I’M FULL! I’M FULL!
Me: (taking plate from 4yo) ok then…
4yo: Can I have a snack?
Me: 🧐
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
Answering every phone call, text and email today with,
“NOT TODAY, SATAN, NOT TODAY”!
You know…for fall…
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
I love you…
…r dog.
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.