Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My iPhone: Face ID

Me: 💁‍♀️

My iPhone : hmm.. passcode

Fun Fact: Dove chocolate tastes way better than their soap.

*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!

*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*

Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.

wut hotdog?

Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.

Demi Lovato? Isn’t that one of those tiny coffee cups?

Yes liquor store clerk, I do need help. But I decided to come here instead.

“what’s your most cherished memory keith?”
[looks at my wife and baby in crowd with loving smile]
[leans into mic]
i heard a dog laugh once

Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat

The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.

You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?

A book.

This bank app is great for checking account activity!

Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.

If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.

You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.

When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.

I’ve never seen a runner smiling.

So that’s all I need to know about that.

I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.

BOSS: OK! Who smashed a hole through the wall?!

[Everyone in the office stares at me, even the Kool-Aid man]

Twitter

You say illegal, I say added to my bucket list.

My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.

I almost dropped my Walkman.

Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.

“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”

Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af

Remember last year, when Biden pardoned those Thanksgiving turkeys and the next day they robbed a liquor store?

‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’

– Our sodding cat

frog: kiss me, I’m a prince

her: ew gross

frog: you have a problem with frogs?

her: no, with the monarchy

Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.