Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.

Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*

Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:

There are 2 kinds of twitter.

A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.

Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers

my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated

My insurance guys slogan is I’m Zach and I’ve got your back… good thing his name wasn’t Rick

my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt

me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger

him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band

*tells the kids to stop skateboarding in the house*

**skateboards in the house after they go to sleep**

I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.

If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded

*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*

Me: You there! What year is it?

Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-

Me: I’m from the future, yes

Tupac: To deliver a message!

Me: No

Tupac:

Me: I’m just going to live here

Tupac:

Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though

If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.

Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me

Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time

[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week

I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts

At this point in my life I don’t need someone with potential. You need to show up already potenched

me: waiter, my soup is cold

waiter: it’s gazpacho, sir

me: okay. gazpacho, my soup is cold

Wife: *asks question*

Me: *gives answer*

Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…

Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.

The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULLSHIT.

My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.

Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.

Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise

My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.

I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.

I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.

I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.

I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.