Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*planning the destruction of the human race

Super Computer: I will shut down all electronic devices

Cyborgs: We will fight all resisters

Toasters: You guys are amateurs…

GYM COMMERCIAL: sign up now with no commitment

ME: finally a program for me

Dr. Pepper just unseated Pepsi as the second most popular soda in America.

Don’t tell me that getting your PhD isn’t worth it.

Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.

– My dog, whenever I’m eating.

LMFAOOOO

In an alternate universe there is only one movie about falling in love, but thousands about swapping faces with John Travolta.

Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*

Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE

I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one

My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain

fireworks, because firehasbillstopay

mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth

👍

You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”

Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.

bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies

I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.

I’m going to throw up in my cat’s bed and see how she likes it

Me: I’m cutting back on wine!

Future Me: You might want to hold off on that decision until you hear what’s coming .

You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.

There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours

Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”

That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.

Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy

Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no

Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!

Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10

“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see

Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: Is this your card?

ME: No

MAGICIAN: This one?

ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?

was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”

My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking