Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
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Sometimes I think about Adam and Eve and how they couldn’t even get a babysitter.
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?
me: yes, a final film
warden: ok, what do you want to watch
me: *smiles wide* the neverending story
[107 minutes later]
me: ok, that’s bullshit
My daughter in college texted me and asked where to go to get air in her tires. I told her the gas station and I swear on all that is holy her response was this, “I only have $88 in my bank account. Will it cost more than that?”
Rick Astley will let you borrow any movie from his Pixar collection except for one. He’s never gonna give you Up.
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
I realized taking dogs for walks is basically their way of checking social media. One lap of smells is a newsfeed scroll. Peeing is posting.
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
🤣🤣🤣🤣
cop: if i were you i wouldn’t leave town
me: but if you were, what bus would you take
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
getting a brazilian wax is just getting the rug pulled out from under you
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
Me: they call me Fred Flintstone
Her: *annoyed* because you can make my bed rock?
Me: because you’re gonna turn me down and I’ll have to yabba dabba do it myself
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?