Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at fire-station]
“I’m putting together a naked firemen calendar and wondered if you guys would like to be involved?”
“Sure. What charity is it for?”
“Charity?”

I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!

*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)

ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:

wat if harry poter was pokemon

him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.

I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.

Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired

Took an 11 year old to play golf and Ive now graduated from his butler to his caddie.

Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*

I had to have a conversation with 4 about how not every older lady is his grandmother and he should stop yelling ITS GRANDMA at every old lady we see

I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.

I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.

I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.

Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS

Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.

The only issue with being single is when you fall asleep on the couch after dinner and are wide awake at midnight and you can’t make it someone else’s problem

“the hills are alive”

“OH MY GOD HEAD FOR THE OH NOOOO I MEAN HEAD AWAY FROM THE”

“with the sound of music”

“OH GOD THE HILLS ARE GOING TO EAT US AND ALSO THEY ARE SINGING RUN FASTER!!!!”

12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!

12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider

12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude

My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.

Mr. Smith: My family names goes back to my ancestor that was a blacksmith.

Mr. Carpenter: Mine goes back to an ancestor that was a woodworker.

Mr. Dickinson: Mine goes back to an ancestor we no longer speak of

My toddler got a certificate at nursery for ‘good listening’ and ironically she didn’t listen when I asked her if she could do that at home too

CAT 911: what’s the emergency?

CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall

CAT 911: you mean a window?

CAT: no it’s definitely a bird

please don’t invite me over if you have a leather couch that’s peeling. i will peel it some more when you’re not looking

Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.

Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you

Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.

“Keep pouring, Ann. You’re not gonna BELIEVE what your dog did today.”

[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)

FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30