Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Damnit!”

-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.

In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.

i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns

[orders pizza]

Would you also like our cheesy bread, comes with sauce?

Are you trying to sell me a side of pizza with my pizza? 2 please.

Ladies with “finger in their mouth” avis, what’s on your finger? Cake batter? Is it cake batter? Can I have some?

my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.

At Twitter HQ

J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?

Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing

*releases update

It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.

Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait

Good morning!

[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.

the face you make when passing someone you kind of know but not enough to stop and chat

No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.

I switched to insurance fraud and saved $235,000

The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.

When I get upset, you bet the gloves come off. Problem is, underneath are softer, more delicate gloves.

I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”

If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.

him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?

cop: licence and registration

GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?

ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings

I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.

Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with

Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.

[first day working at Viagra]

BOSS: We need a new slogan.

ME: *sweating* This is really hard.

BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.

me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside

cop: does it look shady?

me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot

male coworker: how’s it hanging?

me: loose and to the left

him:

me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?

him: not a chance

I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?

[Giving directions in America]

Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th

[Directions in England]

Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest

I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.

the answer was staring at me all along