Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
You Might Also Like
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s.What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
I couldn’t help but wonder … is Russia trying to help everyone but me?
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
Stonehinge
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me?
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
genies are a myth perpetuated by creepy lamps who just want to get rubbed more
When someone asks me why I’m leaving the party early, I say “I’m late for an appointment with my pajamas.”
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
[me, a people pleaser]: “no doctor that’s okay, whatever type of blood you have is fine”
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.