Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.

Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.

Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.

If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.

“Get your fax straight!” – a tweet that would have been so funny in 1987

“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.

When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.

~ Night club conversations and marriage

Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder

Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.

Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.

I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.

Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.

[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2

Coworker-have you heard about that diet that works because you only eat 5 bites?
Me- *stuffs entire donut in mouth* nwopefff. fwuckff owfff.

Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de

Surgeon: I’m unable to perform this surgery. I’ve only got 10,000 spoons, when all I need is a knife.

5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?

I’m about to lose 20 pounds.

*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.

I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.

[first date]
HER: Scars are beautiful. Each one tells a story of personal growth and triumph over adversity.
ME: I got this one fighting a porpoise.

My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.

Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?

Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?

Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.

Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl

When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.

*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*

I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.

There are days & nights where I’m surrounded by profound Darkness, followed by a realisation that I need to stop wearing shades in my house.

white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”

dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?

Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.