Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.

Scavenger Hunt Party

Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.

“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully

“Alexa, homeschool the children.”

You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.

I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.

JOKER: Why so serious

ME: Have you seen the news?

JOKER: Ok fair

MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*

ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*

MAGICIAN: holy shit

Didn’t get any sleep last night….I spent the entire time wondering where the sun went.

Then it dawned on me.

cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5

the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless

Them: Ma’am, we received your Aisles On-line order and we’re just calling to question what seems to be a discrepancy in your order.

Me: I did indeed order 30 packages of bacon if that’s what you’re referring to.

ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do

Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?

Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies

Doctor 1: YES!! done

First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.

me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*

9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad

Have never been roasted to the level as I have been today after asking my department full of tall Tinas if we had a step stool for the file room. They’re trying to find a booster seat on Facebook marketplace for my desk chair. It’s over. I’ll never recover from this.

Someone: wanna hear something interesting?

Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO

Me: sure

Anxiety: you brought this on yourself

No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.

My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again

*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*

Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.

If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.

[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese

You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”

Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December

TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die

My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public

Buy one annoying person, get two free!

– In-laws

therapy: $500

tattoo: $500 but cooler

Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.

Worth every penne.

My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.