Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.

You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.

me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol

waiter:

me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha

waiter: where are ur clothes

Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank

We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?

Lmfao

[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die

Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.

My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:

A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or

So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?

Dating is hard.

[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it

Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question

My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.

I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.

I have three kids: a 14-year-old, an 11-year-old, and an imaginary child who is actually to blame for everything the other two get accused of.

A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.

My husband drives me to drink.

Unless a friend volunteers.

Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide

[in bed]

me: was that thunder?

wife: i didn’t hear anything

dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”

Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?

A pyramid scheme collapsing is condescending.

Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face

Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!

agent: may i please have your account number

me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times

agent: sorry about that

me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer

agent: ideally, yes

me:

agent: may i please have your account number

Hell yeah 👍

When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.

Them: Pleasure to meet you.

Me: Give it time.

When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY

Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.

beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics