Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
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The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
11yo: My Girl Scout vest is lost. I’ve looked EVERYWHERE.
Me: *ransacks house looking*
*digs in garbage*
*combs through school’s 5-ton lost-and-found pile*
*forms 15 person search party*
*asks NASA if they’ve seen it*
11yo: I found it. I hung it up in my closet.
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
Told my 56-year-old coworker that I’m a bit anti-social and he said “yeah I noticed that about you, you don’t necessarily light up a room”
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
Person in murder documentary: This is a small town. Things like this don’t happen here.
Me: Um, based on the shows I watch, that’s ALL that happens in small towns.
a proper response to girl calling “amy?” in ladies bathroom wouldve been silence. but instead i yelled YOU WON’T FIND YOUR PRECIOUS AMY HERE
I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
I don’t hate kids, I hate sociopathic little assholes raised by yuppie cunts who feel saying “no” will stifle the child’s creativity…
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
If I had The Force I’d just use it to open pistachios
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
Computer: Do you trust this device?
Me: Why? Is there something you’re not telling me?
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
I highly recommend a battery-powered lawnmower if you enjoy swearing at yard equipment.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.