Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
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I highly recommend a battery-powered lawnmower if you enjoy swearing at yard equipment.
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly
You mistake a basketball for a dodgeball ONE TIME and now your kids won’t play with you
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
He went from scream to scary movie in seconds😭
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
deleting my mental health to focus on my social media
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
We always tell unpopular people to get in the dustbin of history, but we never tell unpopular mountains to get in the toilet of geography.
[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
Millennial cop dramas are incredibly tough to write. Since we can’t afford to retire, nobody is ever 2 days away from retirement when they stumble upon The Big Case
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
Tonight we’re cooking together, period. I’ll serve the cereal, you pour the milk
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
I’m vacuuming all the snacks out of the couch in the game room and my dog is devastated because I found her secret stash.
[interrogation]
ME: I’ll only answer questions if that officer over there starts kissing my face
COP: Again, the police dog isn’t an officer
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
My birthday suit doesn’t fit me anymore.
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him