Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**

*me
**National Cheesecake Day

My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.

Mom: Where’s your brother?

Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes

Mom: Mosh?

Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]

Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.

“Hope you’re enjoying the sunshine!”

No, I’m at a desk reading your email.

Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.

me: congrats, when is the baby due

pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it

Van Gone

I’m sick of men’s 3-in-1 body wash shampoo and conditioner. Throw toothpaste in there.

An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.

You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.

Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”

Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”

Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”

Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”

skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up

The people who shout the loudest about their all powerful God protecting them & delivering them from any evil, also own a gun, just in case.

[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.

Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.

Her: I can’t eat all that.

Me: … That’s a blueberry.

I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.

ㅤ

CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.

“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple

My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there

if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.

For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.

If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.

[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”

Church: Follow Jesus.
Me: Does he follow back?
Church: ..
Me: ..
Church: ..
Me: Shoutout for shoutout??

Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move

Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…

Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct

“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything

Rare photo of two submarines racing

There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl