Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this

Time is precious, waste it wisely.

Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”

[trying to make a new friend]

…so that’s the worst thing that’s ever happened to me, now you go

hats off to all the restaurants who made it through the last 20 years of anti-carb propaganda and still serve free bread as an appetizer

The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.

Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.

Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.

*me to my dog.

My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.

Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed

Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME

My son can play any song by ear on the piano.

I can sort items for the recycling bin.

I treat the Steam store like the fridge.

I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.

A roof is a house hat.

I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.

When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying

Me at 5 pm: I wonder how many calories are in this shot of whiskey

Me at 9 pm: HoW mAnY cAlOrIeS iN a 5TH oF wHiSkEy *hiccup*

Called in, “Hey, macarena!” this morning.

That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.

i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more

me waiting on an email: what the hell is taking so long, this is ridiculous

me, sending an email: this can probably wait another three weeks or so

My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.

Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”

jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had

editor: nice

jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.

editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?

jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc

bank robber: *fires gun* everyone be cool this is a robbery

banker: *pops collar of leather jacket, takes long drag of cigarette*

bank robber: *points gun* not that cool

On my first day of lifeguard duty two people drowned but I won two games of Words with Friends so it was kind of a wash.

[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face

god!! did anyone stop by your house and drop off your award for having that opinion earlier than most people?

Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.

Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?

I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.