me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
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DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does
I don’t care what the scale says.
I know it’s time to start exercising if a wolf tries to huff & puff & blow my house down.
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
My daughter will not be fully comfortable until she finds a spot to sit on the living room floor that perfectly blocks her sister’s view of the television.
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
Stonehinge
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence