ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
You Might Also Like
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
My kid yelled she couldn’t wait to be an adult so I handed her the bills, threw the laundry on her bed, replaced her pizza with cauliflower, redirected my student loan calls to her phone and demanded she get me a snack every time she tried to go to the restroom.
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
I didn’t see a single avenger die when Obama was president
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
My wife: Our daughter played Godzilla with her friend at school today.
Me: Wow! What were you?
Toddler: Godzilla!
Me: And what was your friend?
Toddler: Scared!
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
yeah 😭
It’s not my job to tell people where they’re failing in life.
It’s just a hobby.
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.