Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*knuckle tats*

M A Y O N N A I S E

[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount

Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.

LIFE HACK: Make your waist feel dramatically smaller by accidentally trying on maternity pants.

well, my kid accomplished at least one of the two reminders she gave Alexa last night

wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”

I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.

You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.

It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.

I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment

Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?

Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands

9yo: What can I have for lunch?
Me: What do you want?
9yo: What are my options?
Me: You literally eat 5 things.

Her: What do you want to listen to?

Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.

Her: Great…I have Amazon music.

Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.

Her:

For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me

What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa

Me, responding to a text at 2 am: Oh they should be asleep so I’ll be free from talking until the morning

Them: *texts back in 30 seconds*

Me: I hate you

If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”

celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave

If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.

My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.

I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.

you are so beautiful without makeup.

-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.

Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all

How to become a Saint

1: Become Catholic

2: Live an exemplary and pious life

3: Perform at least two miracles

Or…Just Be Kanye’s baby

Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”

What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.

How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?

My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.

[wonka factory in 2018]

Charlie: augustus is drowning

Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all

I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.

We are going to watch tv.