Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.

The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.

My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends

The reason I wrap my potato in tinfoil before baking it is so that the government can’t tell what the potato is thinking

I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.

And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.

this got me crying😭😭

College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens

Raiders sequel: Temple of Doom
Daytona Speedway: Temple of Zoom
Flower garden: Temple of Bloom
Bridal chapel: Temple of Groom
Clothing factory: Temple of Loom
Demolition site: Temple of Boom
Funeral home: Temple of Gloom

Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that

Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.

My husband and I take turns unloading the dishwasher, but I usually rerun it or pretend it’s his turn. He does the same, so basically, the dishwasher hasn’t been unloaded in three years.

“Keep pouring, Ann. You’re not gonna BELIEVE what your dog did today.”

It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”

Sliding into her DMs like: ‘Hi’ or ‘Hey’.

-Unoriginal
-No
-Has that literally ever worked?

Sliding into her DMs like: ‘It’s all gravy, baby.’

-Suave
-Well that’s new
-Implies you might have gravy. Ladies love gravy.

[puts on a song to set the mood]
date: …is this the monster mash?

Barbie gave me unrealistic body standards like that my head would fall off.

Watching my roommate mow the grass and pretending I’m at a fancy hotel. Saying things like “they do a beautiful job here”

Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?

I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.

me: does anyone here play baseball

england: *crickets*

I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.

I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.

optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires

despite threatening a hummingbird this morning I really do love nature.

Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.

It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.

“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”

must be a load-bearing face plate. don’t want it coming loose.

[husband opening refrigerator]

Me: “What are you looking for?”

Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”

What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?