Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
I am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. i will show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me ever again
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
Do you ever look at someone and think I’d like to be like that when I grow up and then realise that you’re the same age?
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
The little kids behind us as we fly into Hawaii:
“Do we get to land in the ocean?”
“I’m going to miss that tiny toilet.”
“I thought we were going to Mexico.”
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?
Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you
Cop ~ Get out
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
I love The Wizard of Oz but all of Dorothy’s problems would have been prevented if she just kept Toto on a leash
Why do I hear my husband encouraging our youngest to be a goalie? Is my anxiety not quite crippling enough for him?
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
Products that are really small are like free samples, right?
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
going to therapy is like having someone walk around your brain and going “ohhhh this is how you’re living?!”
I wanna look like a snack this summer but I keep eating them
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
I would guard your potatoes so hard.
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
