When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
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“No son, leave Santa beer and pretzels”
But daddy, Santa likes-
[gently puts hand on his head]
“do what I say or he’s not coming”
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
INTERVIEWER: What would you say are your st—
ME: Strengths? Making inferences from minimal data.
INTERVIEWER: Okay. And your we—
ME: Wheat allergies? None whatsoever.
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
Oddly enough, ever since downloading
AdBlock onto my computer …..all the local girls in my area
seem to have lost interest.
If you ever catch me staring blankly during our conversation it’s because I can’t remember if it’s my turn to say words or yours.
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
Probably not a coincidence that Janice from Facebook posted her green bean casserole recipe and Facebook lost $150 billion in market value.
You never forget the first 800 people you sacrifice to Satan.
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
I can’t divorce my husband right now. I just ordered a new cabinet from Ikea.
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
you’ve been hit by
*bang-bang*
you’ve been struck by
your time management
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.