Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.

*2 minutes later*

Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.

Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.

Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.

i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud

Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.

Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?

Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*

Nick Fury: Holy shit!

If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool

How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow

Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”

NOW tell her you’re a magician.

I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.

We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move

We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.

Me: 3 miles today.

Him: On the treadmill?

Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.

Have you ever tried archery blindfolded?

You don’t know what you’re missing

dating: Of course I’ll wait until 8 to eat with you, handsome.

married: If you’re not home by 6, I’ll eat your dinner, too

If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.

I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard

imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies

5yo: I love tv

Me: if you love it so much, why don—

5yo: I’m going to marry the tv

me: just checkin to see if you’re ok, missed you at dinner

telemarketer who calls at the same time every day: oh hey it’s not a good time, can I call you back

*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*

American voters doing the deep research today before voting.

How to meet a girl:

1) Walk into a bar.

2) Shout “Heroes in a half shell.”

3) When a girl yells back “Turtle Power,” marry her.

Branch manager is like “I need you both to be on the reference desk.”
“Oh. I have some work I was going to do in the back.”
“Just do it at the desk, it won’t be too busy.”
“Then why do you need me there?”
“Because it’s gonna be really busy.”

I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.

On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.

Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.

“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”

Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.

If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold

People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.

Her: draw me like one of your French girls

Me, seductively: *puts her hand onto paper* this will be the perfect hand turkey

The mattress in the guest room was perfectly fine until I had to sleep on it once.

Don’t forget to set several alarms the first day of school so you remember to pick up the kids