Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder

Wait….making the right choices is an option?!

I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them

I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave

In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.

Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye

Waiter: what can I get you?

Me: I’ll have what she’s having

Her: two divorces then please

[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..

me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane

flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not

*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf

My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.

I’ve started using “good gravy” around the house as an exclamation, and guys, it’s going great.

I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.

WIFE: *spells out words so the kids won’t know what she is saying*
ME: [to the kids] I don’t know either.

WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.

[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?

Thinking about the time I told my husband, “I kinda wanna domesticate a raccoon” and he sincerely sighed and said, “I know, I worry about that”

[restaurant]

WAITER: are you ready to order

DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew

WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it

DAD:

WAITER:

DAD: i’ll have the chicken

Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”

fred flinstone (my landlord): the rent is due
me: say it
fred: pls no
me: i’m not paying
fred: *sighs* the rent is yabba dabba due
me: haha

me: what did you go as for halloween

coworker: I wore-

me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR

coworker:

me:

coworker: did you just ask me that to-

me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING

Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?

God: I don’t play favorites.

Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?

God: those are just names.

Pug: yeah I guess.

God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.

Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?

[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”

If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.

me: *summoning the hot dog demon by nailing a shitload of hot dogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*

hot dog demon: not you again

[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”

To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…

Are you okay? How does that even happen?

Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.

Step 2: Print a 3D printer.

Step 3: Return the 3D printer.

I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..

I have nothing positive to report.

Except that roadside drug test.

i’ve found my new favorite subculture