Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
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me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
If you live in Tampa, evacuate. Your life is in danger.
If you live on Earth, evacuate. Your life is in danger.
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
What did parents do before smart phones, hold their babies with two hands or something?
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
[first day as therapist]
patient: i’m in a weird place
me: *petting goat* but it’s cheap
Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry
I had to Stop for this
Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰
Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
Friend: “wanna go for a run?”
Me: “can I drive instead?”
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
turns out I don’t want a boyfriend, I just want a duet partner to sing the guy’s part in “Little Talks” by Of Monsters and Men. sorry for the confusion