Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
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If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
Someone ripped the 5th month out of my calendar.
I’m dismayed…
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
I have many caverns
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
A tattoo artist wants to practice doing chrome tattoos so I’m letting her give me a chrome tattoo for free tomorrow. I’m sure it will be fine
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
Nobody has to pee more than a small child who has just put on 10 lbs of snow gear.
I came this close!!!!
Don’t invite me places. I was cesarean. I didn’t want to come out then and I certainly don’t want to now
[First Date]
Him: So many choices Would you like to split 2 sandwiches and each have half?
Me: Sure
Him to waiter: BLT, please
Me: I’ll have the same
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.