Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
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I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
the last time how i met your mother was on netflix i binge watched it instead of going to class and almost got kicked out of college. its dangerous! beware!
Jehovah’s Witness’: Have you given any thought to the afterlife?
Me: Depends, are you two gonna be there?
J.W: Why yes..
[slams the door]
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
Death: this is the afterlife
Me: ugh there’s more?
My ex wife’s husband is a pretty cool guy. I’m looking forward to the day she ruins his life so we can talk about what a bitch she is.
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
lawyer: I haven’t won a case since last year’s hearing loss.
me: what was the hearing for?
lawyer: WHAT?
me: the hearing.
lawyer: WHAT?