Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“wfh”

what it means: work from home
what my brain sees: what fthe hell?

Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?

Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.

Read “intermittent fasting” as “internet fasting,” and I think I may have inadvertently stumbled upon the healthiest lifestyle change ever

i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.

-kids

[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?

Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…

When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.

They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”

ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?

JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective

I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.

“The world is finally getting back to normal”

Omicron:

I understand my credit score the way I understand the tides. It moves up and down and has something to do with the moon I think

Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?

Her: That’s not important.

Sounds like a bargain

A fly swatter, but for close talkers.

Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…

[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?

Every time I see a white work van, I beat the driver unconscious, and check in the back. Sooner or later I’ll be a hero.

Sneaking up behind people and marrying them

[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.

CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.

ME: No thanks.

CASHIER: It comes with free refills.

ME: I do like free refills…

As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”

So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.

In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates

Every time I start typing in “linkedin” on one of my browsers I just hit enter when it auto-fills and I always end up accidentally viewing the profile of some random person whose profile I once reviewed.

This guy is probably like “why is she so obsessed with me”

He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…

I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind

“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”

-first taxidermist

“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”

Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably

What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches

SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?

ME: oh, I don’t work here

*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*