Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

it’s my first birthday in four years so say happy birthday to me rn or i’ll k*ll u with my bare hands

if the sun is such a cool and great star then why do all the other stars leave when it shows up

I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.

[First day at Amazon]

me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*

manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol

The Lion King is my favourite film outlining why you shouldn’t trust your uncle

I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.

the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml

me: *entering the ocean*

ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?

Nobody told me that when you get a husband the ears are sold separately.

“So kids, I was married to your mom & I met this girl on Twitter, we started DMing and one thing led to another”

-How I Met Your Stepmother

If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.

ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?

Man: I love curvy women

Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite

Man: no, not like that

Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.

Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*

Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.

Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting

I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.

Doctor said I need to eat more salad.

me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered

everyone on this work call:

A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine

“I” before “E”, except after “C”. That’s an efficient rule. Very efficient. Yep…efficient.

Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.

First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.

Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…

I put the hot in psychotic.

Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.

LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit

Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.

-gestures to everything in the Garage-

Me- THESE ARE MY TOOLS AND I AM THEIR KING!!!

Wife- YOU’RE a tool

Me- DAMN RIGHT I AM
Wait..what?

pep talk