Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry

[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow

HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!

HEATHER: You wanna bet?

My aesthetician asked me to stop calling it a “crisis at the border” when I make a bikini wax appointment

I’m not like other girls. I have 1L of butter chicken sauce in my purse

Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.

I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY

… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that

I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁

“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”

Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.

Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.

ㅤ

I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]

The greatest revenge is a life well lived.

If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.

The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.

Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go

[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]

ME: there’s gotta be a better way!

WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass

I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.

me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!

my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami

Hospitals make mistakes with newborns, so before bringing yours home, check by rubbing its belly. If it curls in and bites you, that’s a cat

me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No

I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.

See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple

People who say ‘be careful what you wish for’ have obviously never wished for free, unprotected, unlimited wifi from their neighbor.

I dug a small hole in the Earth.

I did a handstand.

Im wearing the Earth as a hat.

In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.

My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”

[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*

I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.

The child psychologist at my kids school doesn’t even have a degree…though I guess I shouldn’t expect a child to…