Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”

This is still funny.

“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”

– me, as a proctologist

Me: I need to get my shit together

My shit: not today, girl, not today

One of the perks of using a wheelchair is that I can spin around when someone comes in the room and say “I’ve been expecting you.”

6: Can I have a baby sister?

Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.

6: Then can I have a turtle?

If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”

I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.

I told my mom that I accepted drugs from a semi-stranger and got way too high and freaked out and called my brother because I was semi-hallucinating and couldn’t figure out if I still existed and her takeaway was “I’m so glad you guys are close 🥹🥹”

You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.

[at the gym]

wheat: *flexing* you like what you see babe?

*shredded wheat walks by*

wheat: SONOFA

Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.

Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want

My son washes dishes like he knows there are 12,000 germs but only wants to kill 1.

[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling

I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.

*From me

Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?

Five Guys CEO: you heard me

Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.

Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back

ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.

Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?

Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.

I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs

eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left

As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”

This red flag smells like chloroformZZZ.

“Nothing beats in-person interaction”. Yeah, with someone I know and love, not Denise from finance.

imagine being a tree. just imagine it. imagine the good times (wind gently blowing your leaves); imagine the tough times (wind roughly blowing your leaves). imagine the ok, so-so times (there’s no wind)

I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”

If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…

You might be dating my wife.

Some of my best friends are shaped like pills.