me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
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Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
*email from Amazon*
Your package has arrived! To see a picture of the delivery, click HERE
Your front door was faded. For suggested paint colors, click HERE
Your dog was loud. To browse calming treats, click HERE
We saw you changing clothes. To shop for curtains, click HERE
This kid is a star!
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
Ok you know that Australian speed skater who won gold because he was in last place but everyone in front of him got into a crash and he won? I think that might be tumblr
Me: How many chicken nuggets do you want tonight?
7yo: 100
Me: As a guide, you usually have 4-6
7yo (thinking): 30
I want to know about the Oreo incident…
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
That’s the last time I follow some dude into the woods just because he tells me he’s a wizard.
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
Somebody should market a beer called “Occasionally”.
So when asked, I can say, “I only drink occasionally”.
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
Just ordered a second airport beer and now worried about making rent
New COVID variant subscribes you to random podcasts.
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
Brunch server: “We need you to leave now.”
My wife: “Um, excuse me…hiccup…you said these mimosa were bottomless.”
Running your mouth is not cardio.
Gym: After a year of being closed, we’re open now!
Me: Nope. Uh uh. No takesy backsies.
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.