me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
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if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
My kid just asked if I was alive in 1871 so home schooling is going well
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
My ideal weight is five million dollars
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
Before:
“I WANT THE BEST EDUCATION FOR MY CHILDREN”Homeschooling:
“You know, I think I’m ok with my kids being dumb”
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
I created a series of recipes that cause diarrhea. I call them cleanses. It’s all about branding.
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
*raises the last donut to the sky like Simba*
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…