Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
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*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight
Air conditioning – not a fan
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation
Went to the doctor today because I was experiencing some pain and he told me it’s because I’m an “overly aggressive wiper” and honestly I think I’m putting that on my dating profile
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
Seth Rogen: Hey man, I’m bored
James Franco: Ok fine, we’ll make another movie
SR: Oh do we have a new script?J: [Laughs in James Franco]
S: [Laughs in Seth Rogen]
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
[inventing vampire weaknesses]
writer 1: *stoked* ok sunlight, they can only come out at night
writer 2: nice how about crucifixes?
writer 1: ooh yea and holy water!
writer 2: we’re crushing this
[5 hours later]
writer 1: uhh they have to be invited inside
writer 2: garlic
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
My older daughter lives in a constant state of incredulity because everything she hears is “the dumbest thing [she’s] ever heard.”
[showing my family to coworker]
This is a picture of my daughter & my cat. Mittens & Jack.
“You named your daughter Jack?”
Nope, mittens
*Midwesterners validating weather*
-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”
99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”
20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”
47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
reviewed some movies recently
It isn’t a real party unless some drunken idiot makes a fool of themselves by walking face first into a closed glass sliding door.
I’m fine by the way.
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
I love these 90-minute department meetings. It’s like a thrilling live performance of an email
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
Fortune Cookie:
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.