Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.

Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”

So cool that avocados come with those little wooden balls inside, I think I have collected the whole set

People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.

“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.

Me: If I drink 4 bottles of wine in 6 days, then am I an alcoholic?

7yo: This doesn’t feel like a second grade math question.

Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.

[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.

Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar

If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”

[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”

[Burying dinosaur bones]

Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later

*wakes up kids in the middle of the night* hey. hey sssshhhh. is pikachu just a cat with makeup on

Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids

Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.

Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!

You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?

People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.

Wait a minute…

Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.

I love my family: I bought a really cool green gourd at the grocery store on the way to the beach & everyone’s first thought is we need to do a photo shoot of the gourd on the beach

We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.

Him:You married?

Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?

H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-

M:SO I’M UGLY?

H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry

My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place

A great first step 😂

I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.

I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.

Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant

Yes, but it was never about money