Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
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“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
In my trunk is a tire iron, a box of human hair, and a bottle of Grey Goose. I’m always prepared for an impromptu crime scene tampering.
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
Where does the phrase “spinning in their grave” even come from? And like no offence but why is it my business what they’re doing down there, they can rotisserie all they want
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
Why call it a staple remover and not an upper left corner of the page mangler?
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
My wife: The power bill is a bit high this month.
Me (blow-drying my feet): GASP
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
My Christmas letter this year includes a bonus DVD of my colonoscopy.
Psychiatrist showed me a bunch of dirty pictures some guy named Rorschach made. Real sicko that one.
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
If your cat is your “child,” I bet its “grandparents” are “sad”
I don’t normally take my kids grocery shopping with me, but today I thought, “Oh, why not?” Then my 6yo grabbed a whisk from a display of cooking utensils and yelled “It’s time for your daily beating!” at my 9yo and I was like, “OH, RIGHT.”