Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’![]()
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Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
to any witches I’ve offended: please don’t shrink me, it would be just awful if I had to go live in this large nineteenth-century doll’s house
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All the single ladies. All the single ladies. All the single ladies. Now put your hands up! Lol. But seriously, ladies. This is a robbery.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.
Like anyone has time to sit there and read 12,412 product reviews on Amazon.
[8 hours later]
Yeah, I’m def not buying this pillow.
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
[pet therapy]
THERAPIST: ok slow
ME: *pets 2 dogs*
T: just 1
M: *pets 3 dogs*
T: Nurse, restrain him, he’s
M: *pets 4 dogs*
T: roverdosing
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.