Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I say this a lot, but for someone who loves food as much as I do, you would think I would love going to the grocery store

Friend: just be yourself.

Me: Be myself? Be myself?!

Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice

Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately

Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy

A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for

Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end

*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse

Accidentally triple-knotted my laces so I guess I’m wearing these shoes for the rest of my life.

therapist: so, what do you say when she says that

me: you sound like your mom

therapist: 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️

People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴

My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds

my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me

*gets hit by car

**back cracks

Me: Thank you!

GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises

Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle

Friend: Don’t you mean angel?

M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180

Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.

“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.

Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man

him: *on one knee*

me: you disrespectful piece of–

Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down

You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.

I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.

You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.

Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No

“Sorry I’m late”

Why are there scratches all over your face?

“Jujitsu training”

You can scratch in jujitsu?

“It’s my cat’s best move”

me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over

box of plastic wrap:

Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me

Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes

Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?

Wife: Right here!

Me:

Wife:

Me:

Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?

Me: Yes