Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
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me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
[hearing a colleague using their mouse’s scroll wheel] well check out Johnny Longdocument over here
Me: Ok, the pan for homemade naan is heated and ready, rice is cooking, butter chicken is simmering, chicken nuggets for the younger kids are in the air frier, and veggies are steaming. Dinner may just be on time.
Narrator: Dinner was late. He forgot to turn on the air frier.
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
Someone has been running a leaf blower off and on for about 2 hours now & I’m starting to understand murder
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
The return of Boeing’s Starliner spacecraft has reportedly been delayed 8 days due to difficulties. Whose idea was it to let the company that can’t even get it right in their own atmosphere try their hand at another one?
why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
My sister’s birthday cake 🤣
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
My wife: I just gave myself a pedicure in record time!
Me: Impressive feet!
I was worried about being overdressed for a Walmart run, but I spilled my dinner on my shirt, so I’m good now.
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff