Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fun game: Hand everyone who’s ever told you they’re ambidextrous a screwdriver and watch them take down drapes with their non-dominant hand.

Whoever accidentally put their dentist appointment in my ical it’s tomorrow morning! Don’t be late!

me: I got a cookie just for donating blood

friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood

*coworker drinks coffee I made them*

Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder

“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*

“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me

“Sure, I get it!”

– Me, not getting it

Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?

3yo: no, I like playing with myself

Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…

Never underestimate an underachiever. We’re capable of less than you think.

[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”

It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel

My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”

Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:

If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:

Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.

When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.

ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.

I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.

Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech

Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.

Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?

I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.

I’m having one of those days where I feel like the single soggy onion ring that somehow made it into an order of french fries.

Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary

The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.

WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?

India’s tiger population is up 30%!

My employer & colleagues all believe I am hard of hearing. I’m not. But it gets me out of having to engage in frivolous conversations & taking part in pointless hour-long meetings that could have been condensed into a 2 minute email. I get so much more work done as a “deaf” guy.

lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised

If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?

To the bank

My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.

One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.

Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%

New comic up. “Ransom”