Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.

Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town

When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question

I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.

BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.

ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.

I’m at the age where any time my mom asks if I remember so-and-so from high school, the news is never good

I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet

The first clue I had taken the “eyes on the back of my head” thing too far was when the teacher asked why my kid thinks I’m an alien

Vacation is a time when every part of you can relax except your bowels.

-Sorry I was sick and missed your party.
-It’s next Saturday.
-Sorry I’m going to get sick and miss your party.

Atheists are Popeless romantics.

Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …

Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing

Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.

Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄

I’d like a truly deep-dish pizza. One or two fathoms.

Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?

Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?

Me: Yes, I love potato salad.

Nutritionist: no

PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.

Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider

I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless

teaching my 1yo daughter to shout
“Mike Wazowski!” every time someone opens a closet door

I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.

😂😂

“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.

[First day as a driving instructor]

“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”

A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.

I think there is a delicate balance with photo filters. You may want to get rid of your wrinkles but you don’t want to blur out your nose.

*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*

*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*

There’s nothing more difficult than trying to convince a narcissist that you don’t like them.

“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level

“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next

if bears could make porridge the temperature would be like the last thing on my list of concerns