ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
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The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
50% of fatherhood is repeating yourself.
Other 50% is untangling your kid from the shirt stuck on their head cause you didn’t unbutton it.
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
While I was finally sleeping peacefully (adjusting to the 6 hr time diff), my husband got up, knocked over a suitcase, accidentally turned on every light in this hotel room, went to the bathroom, and then came back to bed and fell immediately back to sleep. So, I’m AWAKE NOW.
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
Them: dating isn’t hard you just gotta put yourself out there
Me: ok got it
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
It is a truth universally acknowledged ON MARS that a single woman in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife.
[senses date is losing interest in me]
“my uncle was the guy who did the rap in Red Red Wine”
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
I love you to the refrigerator and back
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope