ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
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No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
I definitely thought I would have shot the lock off of something by now in my life.
_ _ _ _ _
The category is “Down on the Farm.”
Contestant 1: Pat, I’d like a an “T.”
Pat Sajak: Sorry, No T’s. Actually, no consonants.
Old McDonald: I’d like to solve the puzzle
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
*first day as a magician*
Me: For my next trick im going to make this parrot disappear, abracadabra!
Child: the parrots under your shirt. I can see it.
Me: no it isn’t
My shirt: no it isn’t