Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala

You know what they say about a guy with big hands?

He can carry more cheeseburgers.

I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.

Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time

Bird: We can fly so we can go anywhere, soar through the skies, glide through the air!!

Bird 2: It’s incredible!!

Bird: imma stand in the road

Bird 2: Me too

Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.

Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.

“What seems to be the problem, officer?”

State Farm
Like a good neighbor, stay on your side of the yard, pretend I’m not there, and let’s have as little interaction as possible.

To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you

Just hugged the cat and he burped. He’s taking being called “My baby” too seriously.

No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”

Coworker: Do you ever think about work at home?

Me: I don’t even think about work at work.

11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.

My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.

cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi

About to watch Tenet for the first time and I enjoyed it

Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.

[Christmas morning]

Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]

Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.

Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.

Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.

*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*

One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher

Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?

Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.

Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!

Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!

Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.

I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.

Daughter: dad Im a lesbian
Dad: Okay its cool
2nd daughter: dad I’m a lesbian too
Dad: Does ANYone in this family like guys?
Son: I do

[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]

stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you

[dinner time]

ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*

WIFE: not that high