Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Me: how do u milk drugs

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to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other


Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?

Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no

W: I despise you


His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”


I miss being stalked. Especially now that I’ve gotten old and easy to catch.


I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…


octopus: [spinning so fast it takes off]

me: [nodding] helicoptopus



Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”

Teller: “Checking or…”

Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”

Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”


I’ve been sucking on this Jolly Rancher for an hour. He was just a rancher when I started.