Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
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I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
Me: I DON’T HAVE TO TAKE THIS FROM YOU!
Nurse: It’s customary to hold your newborn, sir
PSA: Flip flops are the safest shoes to wear.
They tell potential predators that you have nothing to lose.
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
Searching twitter for the account of the bee that just stung me so I can pull up some of it’s old questionable tweets
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
I saw a banner by a local restaurant that told the community thanks for 30 great years and my mind thought “oh so since like 1960s they’ve been open” then I finished reading the banner “Since 1992”. well shit.
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
If you don’t like your son, grab a football and tell him to go long. Never throw it. He’s gone now.
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—