Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..

Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.

My doctor says I should try running with scissors.

me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003

Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.

[bank robbery]

OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!

[dave starts doing the electric slide]

Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money

I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.

Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter

if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship

That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.

Sex so good the neighbors make you sandwiches.

me: how is your pancake, bud?

3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft

There are two types of people… those who steal food off your plate and those who you keep in your life

My dog does this thing where it thunders and suddenly I’m wearing a dog hat.

Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine

“It’s been months since I got laid.”

– Baby chickens

Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.

None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.

Those who ignore history are doomed to repeat it…

…anyway, my son is taking history again this fall.

Me: I know panty hose are a little dated but I love how they even out my skin tone
Bank Teller: So is this not a robbery?
Me: No, It is

SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…

I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?

Therapist: have you tried meditation?

Me: sure, sometimes when the kids scream my mind goes blank and I float above my body

Therapist: that’s dissociation

Me: potato, potato

if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.

I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.

I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.

In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.

Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.

*me struggling with life*

I guess I should start watching a new show.

There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.