Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened

The nurse said she needed some urine to test for potassium. “K,” I said. Silence. “I bet everyone makes that joke,” I say. She’s like “In 15 years of nursing not one person has made that joke”

I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat

Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?

God: this animal is called a woodchuck

Angel: because it can ch-

God: lmao no

Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.

just in case someone hasn’t told you today,

i’m gorgeous.

I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.

Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂

*puts to and to together*

*blesses the rains down in Africa*

Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!

Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.

I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”

the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit

once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”

Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.

Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.

“…so when the plane crashed, we had to do the unthinkable to survive.”

“Eat human corpses?”

[flashback to eating quinoa]

“Y…yes.”

*looks gift horse in the mouth

Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.

{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…

*I run to check on the donuts

*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”

What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.

We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?

men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner

roommate: do u have any shaving cream

me: no it tastes gross

roommate: you eat shaving crea-

me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross

*At the bank
Teller: And how would you like your cash?

Me: Non sequential and in a brown bag.

Teller: You asked to withdraw 20 dollars…

Me: exactly

Teller:…

Me: Can I still have a lollipop?

People are out here fighting over Walmart and Target. Meanwhile, I haven’t stepped a foot in either of these stores for eleven years because of the same people who will fight over and in a Walmart and Target.

Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE

Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.

I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.

As long as that distance is 300 miles.

Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”

Hit me in the face with a bird