Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.

Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.

Critic: I don’t like your work

Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work

SEXY FLATMATE: I miss my boyfriend
ME: The doctor?
F: He never comes round anymore
ME [smiling at my room full of apples] Yeah it’s so weird

If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.

ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat

A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.

What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:

1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake

[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*

Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.

You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.

Thanks to a fan for this one.

Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.

First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.

[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]

so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain

[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most

I am AWFUL at picking up if a woman is into me.

Even if one said, “I want to do you.” I’d respond, “What do you mean? Like an impression?”

recruiter: u should join the army
octopus: buddy I’m army enough as it is

My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.

My wife really is the sunshine of my life.

Too bad I’m a vampire.

Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”

Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”

friend: look how big my new plant is getting!

me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has

*looking a gift horse in the mouth*

– British dentists

Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay

Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.

Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.

I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.

On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system

I swatted at a bee today and my daughter called me a buzzkill.