Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
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ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
I believe in serving my children a variety of foods that they won’t eat.
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
4yo: Bagel
Me: *makes it
4yo: Tricked you! I wanted toast
Me: Nice trick. Now, eat your bagel
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
This makes total sense…
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
*cancelling plans* ugh sorry i’d love to come but im actually uhhhh in the running for vice president
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
Ahh Monday.. Like the unpleasant realisation of an auto renewal that’s 3 X the original price
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened