Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an optometrist
M: oh like a glass half full thing
D: no like eyes
M: why do u have a glass half full of eyes
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I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
Hey guys! Welcome back to my YouTube channel. Today we’re doing an unboxing vido
*walks into a zoo with a pair of bolt cutters*
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
She has style. She has grace. She has mayonnaise on her face
Me: *successfully puts out fire* Did I pass?
Cooking instructor: No.
I got this “breathe” tattoo on my wrist because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.