Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why is it always cooking on Saturday Kitchen? Why don’t they mop the floor or stick a wash on, or something?

I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?

ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone

in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle

my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing

Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist

*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by

Me: FOREHEAD KISSES

Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.

I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.

this is how life feels

If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?

~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.

Me: Are you here to help me be a better person?

The Goat of Christmas Past: Baaa!

I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.

My wife is thinking of getting her own Twitter account where she will just show videos of the aftermath of my cooking in the kitchen and narration of her just saying ” what the f**k Bill” over and over again .

Did cherry pie filling end up on the ceiling yes yes it did is that my fault 🤷‍♂️ with no documentation the evidence is only circumstantial

I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.

The echo in my house when it’s clean is unsettling. Better order more stuff.

Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January

Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer

Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”

Them: Party like it’s 1999

Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer

me: I need to see the doctor

receptionist: ok, name?

me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair

can we all find some common ground and just agree that if anything should be illegal it’s 1ply toilet paper

“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.

a fun way to freak out your parents is to tell them you dropped out of college this semester and when they start losing it say you’re just kidding and just when they start to recover tell them you actually dropped out last semester but have that part be true

Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.

I’m sick of teeth being so high maintenance. Cleaning? Day AND night?? Or you fall out? You don’t see the other bones acting this way. Seriously, grow up.

[exchanging xmas gifts]
me: “if you dont open it you can never be disappointed can you?”
schrödinger: “i feel like i brought this on myself”

Boss pissed me off at work today

Might microwave a tuna sandwich and leave early

If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.

If I ran a yoga class, I’d make up new names for all the poses.

Alright, we’ll start with The Wandering Kneecap, then move onto Downward-Facing Drunk, and then The Greasy Weasel.

put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream