Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
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People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
Real women don’t wish their enemies would die, just that they’ll get fat.
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
wow he looks just like him
realized that the anxieties I have about getting my first tatt are the exact same ones I have about having kids one day, like “can I commit to this forever” and “will it still be cute in 10 years”
Eatіng іn bed іs much better. Everythіng’s a napkіn.
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it
Me: [being murdered]
Murderer: Ok you have got to stop smiling. It’s really starting to creep me out.
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
why does every 4-way stop remind me of a group project?
Me: I haven’t spoken to my mom in years. I do love her though.
Therapist: She isn’t going to live forever. You should call and tell her.
Me: You’re right…*dials number*
Mom, you’re going to die *hangs up*