Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: *trying to impress* I love those guys, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
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me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
Granny said “alright now, if she fall that’s it for me” 😭
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
Liquor Store Parking
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
Whenever I seductively unbutton my pants, I always maintain full eye contact with the waiter so he knows I want more table bread.
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
SIRI: Turn left in 100 feet
ME: [drives past turn]
SIRI: [exhales loudly in exasperation]
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
The toast is toasting in the toaster, because that’s where the toast toasts.
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
[angrily holding cookie under milk for way too long]
Yo whatcha doin bro?
[looks him dead in the eye]
practicing for you
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
I accidentally went to Homesense today and accidentallier bought Christmas decorations
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
63% of Americans can’t locate the Earth on a globe
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.