Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?
Her: Someone tall.
Me: I’m over six feet.
Her: Someone who likes to travel.
Me: I’ve been to Japan.
Her: Someone with a steady job.
Me: I’ve been working since 1954.
Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?
Me: What? No… *Eats a train*
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
Everybody’s an atheist until the final two minutes of a sports game.
My mother-in-law makes me feel like a champion race car driver…by grabbing onto the door handle and screaming the entire drive
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
me: your dad and i were married 7 yrs before we had you
12: why would you wait so long to have such an amazing experience
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
Blood’s thicker than water, so remember to pull back on the flour a bit when you substitute it into your baking.
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
Man: a pack of condoms please.
Cashier: would you like a paper bag?
Man: no thanks, she’s pretty good looking.
[first day on the job at a mattress store]
Boss: I don’t think this is working out. You called these pillows headpuffs four times now.
Me: *sighing* I’m just trying to sell your nap trampolines.
Every time you hire a clown for a kid’s birthday party, a therapist gets a new car.
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
[returning from the bakery]
WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.
