Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something
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[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
me: dating is hard
me on a date: wouldn’t the koolaid man be full of sheetrock since he busts through walls without a lid
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
Me: Would you still love me if I was a slice of cheese
Girlfriend: Yes probably more
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
*at a family reunion, jesus pours a drink and hands it to santa claus*
so, how are we related again?
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
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My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
Werewolves of Paris.
ADIEUUUUUUUUUU!
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea