Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
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If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
You can only push me so far before I breakdance.
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
Don’t go hunting down relationships or looking for love. Let it find you. Naturally.
You know, like a jogger finding a body on the trails.
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
I’m at the age where any time my mom asks if I remember so-and-so from high school, the news is never good
My daughter was asking where her plastic katana was and when she found it, held it up and said “it’s poorly made but it’ll do”
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
*Throws up some gang signs*
*stabs self in eye with salad fork*Hubs: Next time you do the Macarena, put your fork down.
so you’re telling me that geneology is not the study of genies?
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
Clicks “open”
Tries door
What the FU..
Wrong car
(I have a master’s degree)