Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
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I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
[Texting]
FRIEND: Hey, sorry I didn’t respond yesterday, just saw your text!ME: *Does not know a single person who is ever more than 6 feet from their phone* Haha, no worries, it happens!
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
Doing squats. And by that I mean I’m in the squat position. But really the couch is holding me up. I’m sitting on the couch.
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
same vibe as tangled headphones
A flock of dads is called a grill.
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.