Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
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Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
Them: Go big or go home
Me, 30 mins later, in my bed: This is nice
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
Me, first day as a prosecutor: *whispering* ᵍᵘⁱˡᵗʸ ᵖᵉᵒᵖˡᵉ ˢᵃʸ ʷʰᵃᵗ
Defendant: What?
Me: I rest my case, your Honor.
Jogging
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
My retirement plan is to close myself up in a Murphy bed to hide from a disgruntled landlord
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself