Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
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In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
google is bad now but thats ok. i finished using search engines in 2017. looked everything up already
There is a closet in my office men’s room. I have left it slightly ajar & put a clown mask in there.
Now there is piss all over the floor.
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
13yo asked me to get up at 6am to help her curl her hair, and I laughed and laughed and laughed, and then I set my alarm for 6am because she asked nicely.
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
[inventing the saxophone] what if you could use a bong to play jazz
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.