Me: so what does your husband do?
Her: he’s a dermatologist
Me: pore guy :/
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“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
Holy moly
Was at the park with the baby, and another parent pointed to a kid doing cartwheels and said, “Remember when we could do that at that age?”
Lady, I was icing my knees after recess when I was 7.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
This coffee isn’t working… think I need holy water
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
anyone else like Italian cereal
I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
I hope when the Avengers meet Spider-Man they give him shit for not helping when NYC got attacked.
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
I never understood movie scenes where they have to train assassins. just drop me in some hot climate, don’t feed me and I’ll kill everyone.
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander