Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
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[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
Just been down the cafe. Good to see Margo’s letting bygones be bygones.
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
me: family! regale me with tales of your day!
5: good
2: yes
hubs: same
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
[20 minutes after it stops raining]
ME: *turns off windshield wipers*
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
i live in constant fear of being asked to repeat what you just said after i say im listening
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
[prison riot]
*standing over my origami ducks* “GO AROUND! GO AROUND!”
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
Me: The doctor said that because of the anesthesia, I should just lay around all day reading and watching Saved by the Bell
TwinzerMom: Wasn’t it just a local anesthetic?
Me: I mean, I’m not the one with the medical degree, so who am I to question?
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
Saying you wanted to know where I came from is no excuse for banging my mom.
sure you can go to a dealership and buy a car but there’s nothing quite like the satisfaction of growing your own
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
My 6yo set a timer so that I could have a rest after eating. When the alarm went off it was time for me to go play with him.
He set the timer for 11 seconds. Plenty of time for a rest.
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
A new gel is being developed that could coat your stomach and stop you from getting intoxicated. It’s like the old saying “Gel before beer, you’re in the clear! Beer before gel, wait what the hell?”
[speed dating]
Me: Periods.
Her: Huh?
Me: Do they go inside the quotation mark or outside?
Her: In the US or the UK?
Me: Let’s get married.
i said to my wife, “hey brat summer is over, what kind of fall should I have?” she said “a fatal one”
