Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon

I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.

5 yo- can I roll down the car window?

Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.

The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.

hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees

Me: *explains idea*

Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever

Me:*clears throat*

*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*

Boss: Brilliant!

Taze me once, shame on you; taze me twice, I’ve snuck back into the zoo

friend: edible kick in?

me [washing my hands]: not yet

friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?

It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.

“Evolution-schmevolution!”

-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy

2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭

*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart

Some people like to drink coffee for an adrenaline rush. Not me. Apparently, I like to go grocery shopping at the busiest time of the day, pick the longest checkout line, and forget my wallet.

What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.

What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.

Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏

Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?

This is God thanking them for bacon.

date: I’ll have the chef’s salad

me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad

Koala bears can sleep up to 20 hours a day, which means they’re only a few hours short of having a perfect day.

If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.

me: *nauseated from eating too much*

also me: did you say cake?

He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.

“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level

“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next

I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.

not for long

I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.

I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.

wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”

1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’