me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
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Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
[police interrogation]
COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient
ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?
COP 1: What?
COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US
COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?