@GrantTanaka

me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours

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@dumbbeezie

I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.

@Pundamentalism

My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.

@midwestern_ope

*Midwesterners validating weather*

-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”

99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”

20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”

47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”

@thedayofthedot

i hate it when you offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she’s not your friend anymore. facebook friends suck.

@PhilJamesson

me: we need to go to the ATM machine

thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot

me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine

@Book_Krazy

[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]

Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?

@stoneman67

I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.

@ComedicBust

Me: Can I please sleep?

Brain: No. Now sing Mambo #5 again.

Me: But I hate that song!

Brain: I don’t give a shit!

Me: 1, 2, 3-4-5…

@HiddenPinky

Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.

@murrman5

[a loud action sequence gets suddenly quiet and all you can hear in the theatre is me talking to the guy next to me] sell me your popcorn