me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours

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I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.


My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.


*Midwesterners validating weather*

-20 out: “it wouldn’t be that cold without the wind”

99 degrees: “i’m only sweating because of the humidity”

20 degrees: “honestly if ya stand in the sun it’s not that bad”

47 degrees: driving with the windows down bc it’s finally “nice out”


i hate it when you offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she’s not your friend anymore. facebook friends suck.


me: we need to go to the ATM machine

thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot

me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine


[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]

Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?


I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.


Me: Can I please sleep?

Brain: No. Now sing Mambo #5 again.

Me: But I hate that song!

Brain: I don’t give a shit!

Me: 1, 2, 3-4-5…


Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.


[a loud action sequence gets suddenly quiet and all you can hear in the theatre is me talking to the guy next to me] sell me your popcorn