me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours

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If growing up in the ’80s taught me one thing, it’s that my friends and I should have found the body of a missing boy by now.


Me: “authenticity” is a weird concept with food. Most people would consider pizza to be more Italian than American. But the tomato only came to Italy in the 16th Century from, you guessed it, the Americas

Domino’s guy: please let me go, the app knows where I am


Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*


ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!

MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal


ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks


A disease that kills you and can only be spread through the transmission of bodily fluids. Are we sure we’re not talking about marriage?


Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.


Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is


[nail salon]

Excuse me, do you do filing here?

“Yes of course we do!”

Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*