Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.

[deciding when to tweet]

Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet

Girlfriend: You never say anything romantic to me.

Me: *just called her the rootinest tootinest cowboy the west has ever seen* Are you joking right now?

my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord

Cop: Know why I stopped you?

The dead guy in my trunk?

Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?

Just seen my doctor about the fake pain in my leg. He’s diagnosed me with pretendonitis.

MARINE BIOLOGIST AT A PHISH CONCERT: oh

GERG: She licked ur donut?

JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!

GERG: gross!

JERY: she also said she “hates america”

GERG: Donut licking traitor!

I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.

Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.

girls in high school: we don’t like you

me: what if i was funny

girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-

me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class

Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face

T-rex: hell yeah

The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.

My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.

I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.

At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.

People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?

me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body

clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave

An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.

Octopuses call that “leg day.”

Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?

Me: sure

Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you

4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night

me: warp speed

4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real

me: neither is Santa go to sleep

The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.

bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”

How to be a politician 101:

Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.

Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.

My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him

The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.

*gets period*

“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”

Me: My computer broke

IT guy: What have you tried so far?

Me: Everything

IT guy:

Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing

It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic

they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.